(Written by Marla while at the in-patient hospice)

"Blog post draft.  March 14 2018 Wednesday

     In Orson Scott Card's 'Alvin Maker' series there's a woman who can see everyone's future.  Since future's aren't fixed, this is perceived as paths that come and go, like glittering fireflies.  As a person gets close to their death, the points and paths flicker out and converge until they smash into one.  Rather, I think, like the end of the universe theory where everything is swept into one last black hole.
     I'm feeling like this.  When I first heard this cancer was terminal, when my possible years became months, I started planning.  'OK, this is out but maybe I can still do that." sort of thing.  As more and more bits keep getting closed off and my options continue to shrink and vanish, I keep rearranging and thinking, well I can still do this other thing."  But it seems like the more I do that, the more options get closed off.  So what do I do?  Stop making plans?  Roll over and just die?
     Don't want to.  If I do that, might as well be dead already.  I may not have much time, but I do still have some.  So I'm sitting here roughing out a blog post - it'll need major revision of course - hoping I can even read it later - when I really would like to lie down.  Those drugs are serious.  'This is your handwriting on drugs.'  Yikes.  Dizzy as all get out.

3/14/18 Wednesday
     Got some hopefully productive wheels in motion this morning about finding me a way home.  Predictably, a different group (OK, one person) came in to contradict it all later.  This seems to be the pattern.  Get something I could live with in motion, then yank it out from under me.  These assorted hospice groups should wear signs so we can tell who's who.  They seem to circle like sharks.
     To mix my metaphors, right now I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane.  Figuring out who to trust is damn near impossible.  Sharknado 14 - the hospice care inferno.  (Marla loved the Sharknado series!)  To dump all this on someone who's already dying, to twist and turn and add mountains of paperwork - God, I don't know how it could possibly make a hard, hard situation so much worse.  And for what?  Money?  I'm not wealthy.  I was worried about retirement income.  What do they think they're going to get here?  It's beyond me.

     Probably needs revision."