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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Food

"Forget about food," the doctor said.

How? While the formula I pour down my feeding tube nourishes me and keeps me from feeling hungry, how do you forget about something so integral to life? All our celebrations involve special food. We all have our comfort foods and favorites. How do you forget about something that has always been as constant and ever present? It's like trying to forget about breathing.

My tongue, thanks to cancer, is no longer long enough to reach my front teeth, and its motion is very limited. I can still taste, but I can no longer move food around in my mouth to chew. I can't swallow, either. Not to mention the post-nasal drip, a constant that most of the time people don't even notice and swallow without being aware of it, now must be suctioned out of my throat with a device. It's disgusting.

I keep trying to swallow liquids, but I can't get an entire mouthful down. Some of it goes down, the rest I have to spit into a cup. Or the sink. Yesterday, tired of the constant bad taste in my mouth from the sinuses, I ate a small Reese's Peanut-Butter Cup left from Halloween candy. They're my favorite. I stood over the sink, taking small nibbles off the candy that would have been bite-sized to a normal person, moving it around with my finger to be chewed and tasted. Then spat into the sink. It tasted heavenly, but I sure wouldn't want anyone to watch me while I did that.

I don't mind being around people who are eating, because at least I can smell the food. I can remember what things tasted like and imagine eating them again. I frequently dream about eating.

So, no special birthday, Thanksgiving, or Christmas treats. No meeting friends for a meal or coffee. So much is gone from my life. I had always looked forward to retirement, and one of the things I planned to do was cook more. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd lose the ability to eat.

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