Not a great Christmas.

This is the first Christmas without Mom. It's also the first Christmas I didn't even want to bother with even a tiny tree. I know next Christmas will be better, but right now I just want to get through it.

Bought presents for a few friends, sent out a total of 4 Christmas cards. I did put up Christmas sentiments on Facebook and sent an E-card on email. That's about it. Today I had several invitations out, and had accepted one, but woke up queasy and just nauseated by the thought of food, so I canceled. I think my body was telling me I needed alone time to process.

The Christmas service last night was lovely, and I had planned to go to this morning's. But last night was perfect. That was my Christmas, and it was enough. The church tree and all the hanging greens were decorated with over 1000 peace cranes folded of white paper. A giant paper angel blowing a trumpet in flight hung across the sanctuary, and a multitude of smaller heavenly host hung everywhere overhead. I'm in the choir, and our anthem was "In the Bleak Midwinter" which was lovely. I think we did it well. The rest of the service was mostly carols, which I love to sing.

Back when I was a teenager, I had a book of Christmas carols. I used to sing every single one of them, all the verses, standing in the living room with the tree. My family consisted of myself and my parents. I don't mind taking my Christmas pleasures alone, it comes naturally to me. But this year, knowing that my parents and husband are gone, this year is the first time I've actually felt alone.  It's sad, but it's OK. I know I have lots of friends and many cousins, and one aunt and uncle. And I'll never regret not having children. But this one time, I feel alone. I'm going to embrace the feeling because I know it's teaching me something. Eventually I'll know what.

Looking out my study window at hills dusted with snow and the neighbors across the street, I see some are gone - looks like most are gone. I'm glad for them - if they're the type of people who need to have a crowd around them, I'm glad they do.  As an introvert and an empath, I require solitude to process and detox. Even as I write this I can feel peace descending on me.

I am going to spend this Christmas day writing and then watching movies. And it's enough.

Blessings and happiness to everyone, this day and the new year.

Christmas cards

I really miss Christmas cards. I can tell by the stores that most people are still sending and receiving them. Not my friends and family. I used to send out 40-50 cards, now only the Moms get them. I get one from my Mom and a couple from aunts and uncles. Frankly, I get more advertising-type cards (ie. from my dentist) than real ones!

I used to send and receive cards from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. Now the grandparents are deceased, as are many of the aunts and uncles, and the cousins drifted away as we've moved and don't know each others' new addresses. I have cousins I only "talk" to on Facebook, and cousins I haven't heard from in 20 years or more. The annual Christmas card and newsletter from some of them was the only contact we seemed to have, and now even that's gone.

None of my friends send cards. Some don't "do Christmas." Others are of other faiths - this is understandable, though I get (and appreciate) a newsletter at this time of year from some Jewish friends in another state. Others just don't bother. "Oh, cards are a waste of money." It makes me sad. It used to be such a thrill to get a card or letter in the mail, and these days we only get bills and ads.

The last year I sent out a lot of cards, I sent out 35, and received 3. Of the 35, no fewer than 10 came back "moved, no forwarding." It made me want to cry.

I have saved every Christmas card I ever received, in a plastic bin under the bed. I keep thinking I'll use them for crafts, but when I pull them out and look at them I can't bear to cut them up. So back they go. I'm probably too sentimental, and have definite pack rat (these days it's hoarder, but I'm not that bad) tendencies. But just looking at the handwriting of people I love seems to bring them closer.

I think I'll buy a box of Christmas cards, and send out a few - to people who still send me one, and to people whose addresses I'm sure of. I think I'll even write a newsletter. I haven't done that for a while because life got pretty grim the last few years, but it's looking up. Maybe I'll spark someone to send one to me. I hope so. It was always part of Christmas magic.

Work, jobs, and time

Finally got a second part-time job. 28 hours per week, 3 days of split-shift. So now I'm not working full-time even between the two of them, but I'm working six days a week. No wonder I've skipped church 2 Sundays in a row - just too tired to get up one more day. It's rather a dull job so far, and the pay is low, but I think we can get by on it. The biggest blessing is my supervisor. She's terrific, and easy to work with. That alone can make or break working conditions.

I've been formatting the rest of my finished books for e-book processing, and have begun formatting the two published so far for print on demand. The latter is harder, but I'm getting the hang of it. I hope they look good when finished. I can order the cover for one immediately, thanks to an uncle who gave me the money because he really wants a print copy. The other covers will have to wait until my pay catches up with our bills. I had planned originally to have all five out this year, at least as e-books. It doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I haven't yet made back what I spent on the covers, and the artist was very reasonable. On Amazon, I activated the "look inside" feature, and now you can read the beginnings of both books. Maybe it'll increase sales. I've got a business card now too, with the websites to order my books from.

Plus, it's only a couple months now until Christmas. I've got to knit like a madwoman to get all the presents I'd planned finished. Spare time is hard to come by. Spare time without cats on my lap is even harder, and I love the cats too much to shoo them off. So far I've knitted a stuffed animal, 5 scarves, and 1 hat. I did a vest but wound up giving it for her birthday, so I've got to knit something else for Christmas. 5 more hats, some Barbie clothes, and a lace shawl are the remainder. Since I can't surprise my husband with anything knitted, he might get a box of yarn, a pattern, and a promise! Plus, for after Christmas, I want to knit two shells for myself, and finish some socks and a vest I started ages ago. They can wait.

I feel close to back to normal, though my taste and my appetite have changed drastically. My mouth is incredibly sensitive to heat, cold, and Mexican spices. Some foods I've always loved just don't taste good now. I drink a lot of milk, as it helps me swallow better than water. My weight is hovering around 170, and I'm in a size 16, and so far - 3 months now - I haven't gained any back. Dieting never worked that well. Of course now eating's more of a chore than a pleasure. Even when I'm enjoying something, I can barely eat half, even though I'm still hungry.

My husband is still in a lot of pain and can barely do anything. I'm so worried about him. He's lost so much strength and range of motion in his arms, and since he's in a wheelchair both are vital. But now that I'm employed again, maybe we've turned a corner.

To knit or not to knit

I wanted to put the pictures after the text, but it inserted them and I can't seem to edit their location. C'est la Vie.

This is the turtle I knitted for a baby gift. The mom said she loved it.
I knitted the above sweater for myself. Love it, get compliments on it whenever I wear it. Below is the doll I knitted for another baby gift. I haven't had the nerve to send it yet.

I love knitting. I've never been sure, however, that when I give the things I've knitted away as gifts that anyone really likes getting them. Usually they thank me, and seem to like the item, and I've seen most of them use it. There's one notable exception, but she never liked anything I ever gave her so I wasn't really surprised, and we're no longer friends. (Not for that reason.)

But then I see an article on msn.com, about the 10 worst Christmas gifts. One was a hand-knitted sweater.

Now, sweaters aren't the only thing I knit. I have given away tons of mittens, scarves, hats, dishcloths, shawls, and have begun knitting stuffed animals. But after seeing that article, I'm hesitant. I'd been thinking of these things as special because I made them especially for the person, but maybe they see them as silly. I also saw handmade gifts as a way to avoid the intense commercialism and spending frenzy Christmas has turned into. But maybe I'm just a joke, and I should give in and conform.

This year I've knitted one pair of mittens for a Christmas present, several dishcloths, a stuffed turtle for a baby gift, and a doll and her dress for another. I'm working on another pair of mittens, and some heavy-duty leg warmers for my husband - pajama bottoms, really - because his legs are always cold in winter. When I finish that, I might just knit a sweater for myself. This is a slow year, knitting-wise.


Quote of the day:

Before plastics, only rich people could afford to have poor taste.
Donald Featherstone, creator of the pink flamingo lawn ornament